Today we’re going to talk about two of the most powerful words in your vocabulary.

For all you Scrabble and Words with Friends fanatics, these aren’t some long and fancy words that use x, y, and z in strange combination to win you tons of points.

Oh, no.

These are some simple, plain words.

But they absolutely govern your quality of life.

And if you aren’t using them in the right doses, you’re probably giving away lots of your time and power.

Ready?

Here they are.

Yes.

No.

The power of yes and no

These two go together like salt and pepper.

Too much of one or the other and you have an inedible meal.

But the right blend seasons life perfectly.

It goes like this:  people pleasers say yes  way too often to things they do not want.

They put others first.

They try to be pleasing.

They worry what others think of them.

At core, people-pleasers have a few big fears.

They fear they are inadequate and unlovable.

They fear losing love, approval, and relationships.

So how do they cope?

They do everything they can to secure that relationship—on someone else’s terms.

By meeting someone else’s needs.

By being pliant.

Obedient.

Pleasing.

So you can imagine, then, how damning it would be for a people pleaser to say no to someone.

Y’know, another less-friendly word for a people pleaser is a “yes man.”  It’s not a perfect substitute, I know.

But it captures a crucial piece of a people-pleaser’s experience:

I cannot say no. 

(Or if I do, I feel really guilty/anxious/fearful about it.)

All these yeses become a thief in the night, robbing a person of their time and their power.

False yeses

So many of us live under the burden of the perpetual yes.

“Yes, I can help.”

“Sure thing.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“No problem.”

But it’s a big problem if you can’t say no.

If you can’t say no, then you can’t really say yes.

If you can’t refuse someone, then you can’t truly consent.

Living life on autopilot, saying “yes” to everyone all the time is ruinous.

It’s like playing solitaire with half of a deck of cards—there’s no way to win.

A yes to everyone is nothing but a big no to you.

The power of yes

I’m not trying to suggest that “yes” is such a bad word.

It’s not.  I’m all for powerful, heartfelt yeses.

And yes is only powerful if it is chosen.  It is only powerful if it is backed up by a no.

And that means that no needs to be used in equal measure.

If no isn’t a part of your vocabulary, then you aren’t in full control of your own life.

You need to say no to set up and keep boundaries.

Otherwise, tasks and people will gobble up all your free time.

The give and take of yes and no

Remember:  the powerful act of giving permission loses all of its juice when it is offered out of a sense of obligation or threat.

If you say yes because you’re afraid to say no…

If you say yes because you feel guilty about saying no…

If you say yes because you’re worried what others will think…

If you say yes because you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings…

…it isn’t a true yes.

So say yes with care.

Balance it with a healthy dose of no.

Take stock of your life and priorities and use this knowledge to guide your choices.

Need some help with your nos?  Try any of these posts on for size:

No is not a four letter word

You can be firm without being mean

Embrace your inner k(no)w