Tom: Overworked and underappreciated

Tom came in for therapy because he was burned out at work. In eight years, he has been passed over twice for promotions that went to other candidates who had less seniority or experience.

Still, Tom brings his best to his job. He shows up early, stays late, and often takes lunch at his desk. He wishes his boss would recognize his accomplishments and contributions more, but she is most likely to speak up when there’s some kind of problem.

Tom’s boss routinely makes empty promises, saying she will hire more help or do a project differently next year or nominate Tom for a promotion. Tom is angry at his boss, but he’s even more angry at himself for staying on as long as he has.

Tom has more sick and personal days than anyone else in the department. He has a really hard time getting away from the office, something that he and his wife often fight about.

Tom is worried that he is bringing his work stress home. He feels resentful and irritable and will snap at his wife with little provocation, and then feel very guilty about it. His wife’s suggestion that he seek counseling felt like an accusation, like he wasn’t doing enough, and he felt a bit like a failure having to come into therapy to get help. He thinks if he could just get it together, it would be fine.

Pouring his best into a bucket with a hole

After a few counseling sessions, we established that Tom’s eager to please nature was a poor match with his boss and her expectations. This poor match was depleting Tom and destroying his motivation.

We identified that Tom was raised in a family that taught him certain valuable lessons about being a team player, getting the job done, and bringing his best to every task. And in most jobs and most aspects of Tom’s life, his hard-working, “can do” attitude served him well. He was well-liked, and many good friends, and finished personal projects well and quickly.

But, working under a boss who was never pleased pushed all of Tom’s buttons. He kept redoubling his efforts, seeking words of praise and acknowledgment that were never going to come.

Getting a new bucket

Once Tom realized this, he began exploring ways he could reclaim his authority at work.

He started scheduling regular time away from the office with all of the vacation days he had accumulated. He stopped agreeing to late afternoon appointments with his boss that always turned into late nights working at the office. He stopped taking work home.

Tom started taking “real” lunch breaks away from his desk, a half hour to an hour at a time. We rehearsed friendly and firm ways of turning down requests and favors at work from colleagues. And, when it was a really rough week, Tom had time during session to share his frustrations without stressing out his wife and straining their relationship.

Tom learned when and where to go the extra mile, and when to stop at good enough.

Three months into therapy…

Initially, Tom was worried about how his boss would handle these changes. She pushed back some at first, but then quickly set to looking for other people in the department where she could redistribute the work.

Tom began looking for other work and secured a few promising job leads. He left therapy feeling hopeful about his prospects and more buffered from the stress at his current job.

He no longer felt desperate, trapped, and unhappy.

Through counseling, Tom was able to understand where best to invest his own efforts. He learned to save some of his best for himself and that it was okay to question other people’s motives and expectations.

 

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**This narrative does not reflect the treatment of an actual client.  It is a composite portrait of some of my clients and the concerns that emerge in therapy.  It represents what kind of change can happen in therapy and what the process can look like.